Typically, I am not one to stress. Not that I necessarily bottle emotions inside, but I just don’t see the point of stressing. I just do not see the point of feeling pain or anger for things that I cannot control or alter. It makes me fatigued and makes me age very quickly, and not in a good way.
I am also the type to get attached to people, and I often enjoy certain types of routines, such as at least a morning coffee with my wife once in a weekend – or I become agro (not that bad), a coffee and a drink with my business partner and friend at least once a week, seeing my friends and going for a drink, or a movie, or whatever else we decide to do, regular daily calls with my other friend. Other habits may include working on a certain project towards the end of the evening, and watching television series. I build such habits and fit them into my “unscheduled schedule” whenever I can. The idea that I can do such things makes me happy, and to me, they are my routines because I do them often, not at a regular time, but often.
The idea that I can build new routines, and daydream about how my life can pan out, is always exciting to me. Certainly I am always one to take on quite a lot of things, and then begin to struggle the juggle, if you get my drift. Yet, I am content trying new things. I daydream a lot too, as those that know me would agree.
The sad thing with that is that I used to get disappointed often, by those closest to me. Some people I have had to let go completely from my life because I did not want to be hurt anymore, and I thought I was stronger than anything after going through tough times, but I quickly learnt to make myself strong.
As naive as this sounds, I build my castles of dreams, just like dad always used to say to me, believing that my wife and I would go for long strolls in our new neighborhood, that my brother and parents would come visit for extended periods of time and we would all be laughing, arguing and eating, doing all the things families do, but with our little baby.
One does not think of the fact that a pregnancy could not turn out in the first trimester – I certainly did not. It is not something that first-time parents-to-be usually think of, is it? We were so caught up on the excitement of dreaming about what little outfits we would buy our newborn, the feeding, the sleepless nights (yes I am looking forward to those), the giggles and cries, the entire experience – that I just did not imagine that this time, it would simply not work out.
Trying to be strong for me is something I thought came naturally after quite a few years – however I am finding that I am not sure how to face this miscarriage. Some days I feel empty, lost and angry. I am letting the daily tasks I do become factors that add to my anger, frustration and sadness. I am blaming everything else around me, silently and to most, unknowingly. Other days, I am the opposite, yet it is only on the surface. Could it be that I am becoming depressed?
Well, I would like to think I am stronger than that, and that my anger is simply a quick phase which is how I am dealing with this loss. Besides, I have to be stronger for my wife, who has gone through an extreme amount of pressure from all this. I am living through this experience with her, yet, I cannot begin to understand the physical pain she is going through, and the emotional roller coaster, because this is something that she is physically going through, more than I.
Some people believe that before the first 12 weeks, there is no emotional attachment. Others, believe the opposite. Myself? Well, I am on the fence on that.
I just have to be strong, and stronger for my wife especially, and try again. Even though we decided not to tell our family and friends yet, my wife and I have an amazing support system in each other.
Whether people believe in a faith or not, we just need to remember that in life, you win some, you lose some. It is about being strong to understand that there are always other opportunities, and more than one path any life decision or obstacle could take. It is how we deal with it that makes us stronger.