Hey, it’s been. while!
I had lost track of writing in between raising our first child, then came our second… let me tell you, it definitely has been a challenging few years, as I am sure it has been for many for whatever reasons.
Currently, it seems even moreso, though I cannot say it is because of the kids.
Today, I write from a different perspective. Not only as a parent, a father, husband, son, brother, cousin, friend, colleague or anything else. Today, I simply write as me, alone with my own thoughts, doubts, fears, health, strengths, achievements, goals, etc.
I recently received some unwanted news concerning my health. It has definitely rocked the boat more than I would have liked, and to be honest, I do not think I am dealing well with the news, or at least, I am in a different mental state to be dealing well with it.
One thing that many males that I know do not do, is talk about their own feelings – the state of our mental health. We are good at trying to be the hero of situations, to come up with solutions, to dictate our political views, what our favourite sports team should be doing, what we would do if we were in power…. yet, I find that (and I am definitely including myself here) we all tend to keep the feelings taboo. Sure, there’s the “I love you” here, and the “I missed you” there, the good old “how you going?”. Yet to come out and actually say to our loved ones, friends, colleagues or others “I am struggling”, “I am stressed”, “I am not coping”, “I feel alone”… that is possibly some of the hardest things we might be able to ever say, even to ourselves.
This comes about after a personally frenetic couple of COVID-years both in our personal life as well as my work life. Plotting along various situations thinking to myself that any negative feelings are simply a phase, and that those too shall pass. For someone like me, whom I though was a mental rock, stability for my family, for my friends, I am now finding I may have hit mental rock-bottom. I feel like anything is now an issue adding to the pressures inside my chest, the ever-growing knots in my stomach which I have been feeling daily for quite a long time (I literally lost count as to how long), the tension in my head and regular palpitations. This is how I have been feeling for a long time now, all to come surfacing up. Thinking about it these past few days, I cannot pin-point any single topic, whether it be work, family life, desires and the wanting something or somewhere different to be, perhaps the feelings of not belongong, general impostor syndrome, the wanting to take a break and reset knowing that it is possibly not an option. I definitely cannot put a finger on it. Yet through all this, much of the numbness that I’ve been feeling, goes away each time I close my work chapter for the day, and spend it with my wife, kids and family. I get an immense joy spending every moment with them, even if the activities may not be adventurous, different, exciting… simply being in their presence makes me feel at peace. Then, Sunday mornings arrive, most times I dabble with work on the weekends, and when I do, it is the time that I feel is stolen from my kids and wife. The Sunday becomes a day of sadness and being preoccupied at the things I have to action before the following work day.
So then I think, “It is work!”. For the past 6 years I have been making career choices that do not align with my own values, beliefs or desires. I have been either lying to myself about what I truly want, and how I want my life to be, that I have allowed work be the negative center in my mind, body and soul. I have been going with a flow which was not mine and let it take over my every thought and all my time, that when I am with my family, I am not truly present. They notice it too.
I have not been honest with myself about what I want and to not feel guilty that I also want to be happy knowing I can provide value to someone, knowing I can do the best work I can and make a real difference. I was always a workaholic, finishing later rather than packing up and going home. Not because I would not get things done, but because there is always something to do. It’s the way I was raised from various older mentors as well. I was typically happy doing it. Silently though, after having children, I did not realise that this no longer works for me, nor my wife. I realise that the more time goes by, the more I am part of the cog and mechanism of being just a number. Something I have not agreed with for most of my working life, but never decided to do anything about it, until now. I have allowed myself to be a mute, as a factory worker, doing the daily grind, the rat race, and being numb to the pain it brings. I have always though about having a great work ethic, empathy, leadership, facing challenges. However now, doing what I am doing, is not making me happy, and I do want to be happy in the work that I do.
After the past few days of deep reflection I realise that I am no longer aligned with the system and have not been for a while. This has made me unlearn what it truly means to be happy at work, but more importantly what it means to be happy and focused in spending quality time with my family, who are the most important things in my life alongside my health.
Many go through life in the typical factory way, heading to their cubicles, day in and day out, to then receive a commemorative pen, pin or whatever will be the corporate gift when one heads off into retirement, mostly to be forgotten down the track as simply having been another number. For many, this works, as it is the way in which we are raised. However, for me, being at the age I am at now, I have had enough. The one definite positive is that I believe wholeheartedly that it is not too late to change. The main area I need to address is my fear of the change.
I am not saying that we should all quit our jobs in the corporate world, or in whatever environment we find ourselves in. I am however saying that if that does not work for you, search within yourselves to truly ask, is this what makes me happy? Is this where I can provide value? Is this something I am willing to do, perhaps at the expense of something else? Is this where I feel I belong? If yes, and you are being honest with yourself, then there is no issue. However if the answer to some of these types of questions are no, then look at what things you can change to better align yourself to what you truly believe you should do, or where you believe you should be. Again, it is fearful, but these fears need to be addressed.
I believe that fear can guide many of us to either – as cliché as it sounds – sink or swim. Some may sink further into the system and keep being numb and complacent. Others however, will make a change and be able to steer their life in the positive direction it should be. I am not saying it is easy or will happen overnight. Though knowing that enough is enough, is the first step – acknowledging it.
For now I will end this with advice to myself, which I hope encourages others who may be feeling trapped, stressed, overwhelmed and to some extent, alone in fighting this. Speak up! Talk to someone, if not a loved one, a colleague, friend, or hire a coach or seek other advice and help. What is helping me today, is being able to express what I am truly feeling, as not flowing as it may sound, and to be able to try and address it. One step at a time. A great deal of what I mentioned I am sure is also the same for women, however my reach is towards men, who often hide their emotions and pressures behind a drink at the pub, sports events, quiet time to read or some DIY. Keeping our minds and bodies active or “occupied” with other activities is one thing, but speaking to someone else about what is perhaps bottled inside, is a pressure valve that needs releasing. Do not be the stereotype, and speak up, for your own health and for those in your life.