We had another transfer last week. Negative again. My wife got me to call instead, poor thing probably couldn’t have heard it then and there. She had a feeling, I guess I did too.
When talking to the clinic, they went through the usual comforting words, and although I know they genuinely do care, I just couldn’t wait to hang up the phone and throw something and yell at the top of my lungs.
Then I remembered that a friend once told me “God’s delays aren’t God’s denials”. I do have faith. I do believe. I’m not one of those who expect to tell everyone else who isn’t that they are wrong. I believe in knowing the difference between good and bad, and knowing in my heart that the way of life is the good way. Yet looking around the world, seeing the bad things that happen, knowing that we have become a society that just smile when we have our headphones in our ears, or making fun of someone’s video online, or when we have had a few too many – and even then we may not be so friendly to one another – makes me wonder if we are being punished for the way we live.
I keep trying to find a positive as to why I am almost in my mid 30s and still don’t have a family, why I must be such a bad person to not have this family that I crave for so much. Is it because I am a liar, or deceitful, or because I am a really bad person? I keep trying to blame myself for the negativity regarding the situation I am in, and my wife is paying the price.
I guess I am just frustrated, and angry, yet I still am trying to believe, have faith, and know that it has to happen. Hit reset on the negative button and try again.